keep your expectations low and i will rise to the occasion.


Monday, February 22, 2010

thats... gotta hurt.

usa: 5 canada: 3

as some of you know, i have some contempt regarding canada. not the people. i like canadians themselves. they are actually extremely nice. which is weird because the farther north you go, the less nice people tend to get ("tend" obviously referring to an extreme generalization... although i have already hit my "been given the finger" quota in new york for the year and i was only there for 48 hours... just saying.)

anyways, back to the source of my contempt. it all goes back about 180+ years ago. we had finally beaten back the british in the war of 1812 (did you know that the bloodiest battle during the war of 1812 was fought after the treaty was signed?! awkward.) and started running our mouths about the concept of manifest destiny. awesome! lets take what we have and keep rolling til we hit some more water. lewis and clark did some canoeing and found that there is a lot of goodness out there that we have not yet reached, brought disease to and/or wrongfully taken as our own. then there was the gold rush making cali the new hotness and people packing up their oxen and hitting the oregon trail (and thank god because i love(d) that game.) and yet... sitting just above us, was canada. an icebox chalked full of natural resources and if you go really far north, polar bears. yeah, thats right. we gave up polar bears. good thinking random presidents of the early 19th century that no one really knows or remembers.

now, i know what you are saying... they were their own country, with a government and hopes and dreams and yadda yadda yadda. arguably, you could say the same about the native americans! but because they couldnt get organized in a way that suited our european roots and of course, they lacked a traditional flag, (please youtube eddie izzard's comedy special called dressed to kill and look for the part where he talks about "the cunning use of flags." its awesome.) we kindly asked them to stand aside so we could fulfill our (manifest) destiny.

now, im not saying i want another war or anything. i think we have enough on our plate... but just that we should have just brought them under our big american wing, and made them the 51st, 52nd and if they could muster the courage and front the application fee, the 53rd state of the union (they would have to broken up to ensure that california, new york and texas are still the most influential states in government). we could have been great together! now, america is still great and canada... is just pretty good. i like toronto and vancouver seems nice. blue jays won the world series once. holler. but still, your football is weird... with a 55 yard line? is someone over-compensating a bit? not to mention, your money is called the loon... right. so, instead of all that, i think we should have all been one big happy family and canada, trust me, you are the one missing out.

now to the hockey game last night. america again looked great like we do, because we are, in fact, great and... canada looked, you know, pretty good. but not great. and you know, that win last night felt good. we beat them at their own olympics, in their own arena, at a game that, even if it was not invented there, (i really dont know and i dont feel like looking it up) they have ice everywhere and consider it their sport! they have to be good. they grew up with ice. there is some random statistic like 35% of all canadians were born on ice or something. losing to americans, that overall, hate the cold. what a dagger. taking it another step, i bet the world probably watched last night and thought "big brother just beat their little brother." like at the end, we just patted them on their little heads and said "good try."

so canada, let me follow suit and say, "good try." we all know you played your little maple leaf hearts out. now, just something to think about... we are always taking applications for the 51st state. just ask puerto rico. come on down, hang out, trade in your bearskin fur coat for a pair of board shorts and "tommy bahama" shirt, get rid of the looney and lets make a super hockey team. and who knows, play your cards right, we may even let you have an nfl team. maybe. come on canada, it feels good to be a winner. trust us. we know.

and for cinematic support of my sentiment as well as good clean fun! (caution: uncensored version)

1 comment:

  1. No, we will NOT let Canada come down and make a super hockey team. That means I will have to accept CRYsby as one of my own, a fellow American, and that I CANNOT do.

    Let's try Russia - Ovi anyone?