keep your expectations low and i will rise to the occasion.


Thursday, February 18, 2010

on the 7th day, god rested. chuck norris took over.

i know these were cool 5 years ago... but i get some nostalgia reflecting on laughing so hard i drooled a little... at work.

chuck norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. he walked to a vacant lot and sat there. sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. he then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. chuck norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

chuck norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. so next time chuck norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

chuck norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

chuck norris was the fourth wiseman. he brought baby jesus the gift of “beard”. jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. the other wisemen, jealous of jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have chuck omitted from the bible. shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and chuck norris.

if paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? answer: chuck norris.

chuck norris has never blinked in his entire life. never.

chuck norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. it helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

one time while sparring with wolverine, chuck norris accidentally lost his left testicle. you might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: jupiter.

contrary to popular belief, chuck norris, not the box jellyfish of northern australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

chuck norris does not use spell check. if he happens to misspell a word, oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the big bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (chuck norris roundhouse kick)

in world war II, chuck norris shot a german plane down with his finger, by yelling, "bang!"

when chuck norris plays oregon trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. he also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. he always makes it to oregon before you.

and my all-time personal favorite...

chuck norris is currently suing nbc, claiming law and order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

if you have any others that i dont know, feel free to share!


  1. I just pooped a little bit in my chair from laughing so hard

  2. heres some you dont have:

    Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didnt hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidently ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Alantic

    Chuck Norris doesnt own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

    Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.


  3. haha yea some of those are definitely new to me... but equally hilarious. thanks Acissej!